I'm afraid of my husband what to do. How to behave so that a man is afraid of losing? What kind of woman is a man afraid of losing?

Hello. I really need help. I was married for several years, psychological abuse flourished in my family (there was never physical abuse). Age difference 4 years. My ex-husband (who lived in civilian life) constantly said that I didn’t appreciate him, didn’t love him, accused him of everything he could, used him, said that he loved me, and I treat him so badly ... Three lines can’t describe everything that he told me for 2 years, but it all comes down to "I'm good, you're bad." With all this, I want to clarify that I loved him, appreciated him, never cheated on him, the house is clean, the food, and so on. I tried to understand, I worked, I spent all the money on my family (he hardly invested, where he worked he didn’t say and we lived in my room, I rent in a communal apartment, despite the fact that he has an apartment, but he didn’t want to invite me there, citing on my safety (I have a risky job, I can’t), we didn’t have sex as such, he was busy / tired / didn’t want to). In general, you can not describe everything. I tried to leave, left 10 times, but he put pressure on me, persuaded me to return, again made it clear that no one would treat me the way he did (protect and love) and I also had Stockholm syndrome, returned. And now, for the 11th time, I left, and, finally, he does not haunt me !! Everything is fine. I am sure that I will not return to it, past mistakes have taught me a lot. But I'm afraid of my ex-husband. I am very scared that he will come and put pressure on me again, saying that “I am good, you are bad, I loved you, I have never loved anyone like that, you are worse than my ex (whom he hates and which, according to him, cheated on him and spent his money) I went there for you, did that, but you don’t love me at all, I rushed after you and you would never do that, you can’t rely on you, you left me again, and I came running again, how unfortunate I am, you bastard la la la, ”may cry. I'm just so mentally tired that just the thought of his words makes me shudder. Every rustle - I'm afraid that he is, a knock - I'm afraid that he is, I have already had panic attacks for 2 days. Please help! Thank you so much.

The psychologist Elena Belogurova answers.

Hello, your fear is very understandable, you have achieved the result, you did what you wanted, but you are not sure that you will be able to keep this small achievement.

And now, it seems to me, there are two directions of movement, so to speak. On the one hand, specific actions are needed right now that will help you feel better and be more confident that even if he comes again, you will not return to him and will not succumb to psychological pressure. On the other hand, as a longer-term job, it is important for you to understand how it happened that you chose this person as your husband. After all, it was your choice, perhaps it will require work with a psychologist or independent work on yourself, awareness of your family scenarios, work on self-esteem and its increase. Often people find themselves in a situation of emotional abuse when a partner explains to them how you write that “he is good, but they are bad”, if they do not love themselves and internally believe that they are. If this is the case in your case, this is what you need to deal with so that the situation does not happen again.

If we talk about those actions that are important to take right now, then here's what you should think about. First, try to be alone as little as possible, spend time with friends, go somewhere, invite friends to your place, and so on. This will help, firstly, to get a little distracted, and secondly, it will give courage if suddenly he does come. Secondly, if you have some kind of hobby, devote more time to it, because now you do not need to take care of your husband and his needs, you can take care of yourself and your own business. In addition, doing what you love always gives strength and faith in yourself. Thirdly, if you and your ex-husband had some common household habits, try to change them so that there are as few reminders of him in your life as possible.

What should I do if I'm afraid of my husband? How to overcome and force yourself to fight back? Why endure rudeness towards yourself, do you deserve it? Why does fear appear? What and why are you afraid of? To cope with the feeling of fear, the first step is to understand yourself and understand what is causing it. Happiness in the family and fear are incompatible!

Why does fear appear

The feeling of fear can be caused by several reasons. Of course, the most common of these is domestic violence. Unfortunately, in our state, a woman is practically powerless in the face of beatings by her husband. She can turn to law enforcement agencies only if she has evidence of threats from him - for example, the testimony of neighbors or SMS messages with promises of reprisals.

In all other cases, she will simply be advised to file a statement only when the fact of beating is obvious, so that a medical examination can testify to it. We are afraid of the judgment of outsiders, so we keep everything to ourselves for a long time.
It should also be borne in mind that even a lady who decides to get even with her husband in this way is likely to slow down in a couple of days.

Women are still dominated by public opinion in the form of a thought-form “what will relatives/neighbors say?”. And indeed, asking the mother-in-law “what should I do if I am afraid of my husband?” You will surely come across a lengthy lecture on the topic “it’s your own fault, so you give a reason.”

What are you afraid of?

Remember those unpleasant moments. Look deeper into your fear. What exactly are you afraid of?

• What will he hit you with? Or even kill you in a fit of rage?
• That he will tell you something that will hurt you? What are you stupid, ridiculous or something else?
• What are you disappointed in?
• What harm will he do to the children?
• Why can't you understand it?
• What are you to blame for his anger?
• What will the neighbors hear and their opinion about you, about your family will deteriorate?
• That he will leave you, file for divorce?
• That he distorts the whole truth, everything is completely wrong, you are not like that, and there is no chance to change anything?

Unfortunately, it takes a fair amount of concentration to answer this question. To answer it without the help of a psychologist, choose a moment when you have time to think. Feel and look for the answer, take your time. This is important for future work.

Why are you afraid?

There are several reasons for fear. Sometimes, they perform as a "chorus".

Among the reasons there are fears from childhood (“dad screamed and it was very scary”), and an increased sense of guilt (“I myself deserved it”), and the usual behavior of the victim (“oh, what can I do, I can’t do anything ").

Your fear may be completely irrational. That is - I'm afraid and that's it! The reaction is this. Why this is so is not clear. Perhaps a situation arises similar to the one you faced once in childhood. Oh, how psychologists love childhood!

Perhaps in a quarrel you feel like a small child, and your husband is a strict parent. This is a slightly different situation.

To remove fear, you need to understand what is its cause. If you are looking for yourself, without consulting a psychologist, catch every suggestion and write it down.

The worst option is pressure from girlfriends and female relatives under the slogan "beats - it means she loves." Remember: only insecure women think this way, looking for an excuse to justify themselves for the fact that they endure male assault. A successful, self-confident lady will not allow her hand to be raised regularly.

She will turn around and leave as soon as the partner hints at the possibility of using brute force. It is not shameful and not scary, it should not be condemned by other people and relatives. This is your personal choice, your fight for your life and health. Therefore, do not react to provocations in the spirit of "they all behave this way." Not all. And you will definitely find someone who will be above mockery of the weaker sex.

If you still do not want to break off relations with the tormentor and firmly believe in the possibility of correcting him, you will have to fight his “bad habit”. Having struck once, he will decide that he can always do this. The first blow is like a shock for any woman. Having received a slap in the face, do not try to throw your fists at your husband - such behavior will only aggravate the situation.

Silently turn around and leave the room. Further, several scenarios for the development of events are possible. You can calmly and leisurely collect things, then leave the apartment. Do not answer your husband's questions - this is an occasion for a new quarrel. Having already left the house, let him know that you are giving him time to think, so you will live with your mother or girlfriend for a week.

For some, this acts as a refreshing shower - a man is afraid of losing his beloved and accepts her rules of the game. But such a trick works, alas, not always.

How to change everything?

If you are tired of being afraid, then it's time to change something. The best scenario would be:

• You formulate what exactly is the fear that overtakes you (for example, one of those that I listed in the first section)
• Find the reason for the fear.
• Discuss the situation with your husband. Take him as an ally.
• Your husband is working on not provoking your fear.
• You work on yourself, trying to catch the moment when fear comes.
• Do not let fear grow, conquer it.

What is the problem?

It's definitely a problem with your husband. Talking to him and making him your ally in the fight against fear is difficult.

“My husband says I make things up. That I'm acting this way on purpose to make him look like a villain."

Yes, you need to have a fair amount of self-criticism in order to catch in yourself the desire to suppress someone else's will. Men - not all, but some - unconsciously assert themselves by watching their wife and her fear.

Let's not now arrange lynching of husbands. Let's try to better cope with our fears without the participation of the second half.

I myself

I am convinced that fear should not be overcome alone. And if the husband can still refuse to help, then the psychologist will definitely not refuse.

So, if you are convinced that your fear is subjective, that is, your husband really does not wish you harm (and this can be found out only by asking a direct question), you can act in this way.

• The first two points are the same: you are looking for what kind of fear, and where does his “legs grow from”.
• Sometimes one understanding that fear is subjective is already enough to cope.
• If you have been able to determine what this fear is, let's expose it. Let's say you realize that in a quarrel you get scared, because your husband resembles some relative who scared you as a child. Here again begins the argument with her husband. It is important to say to yourself in time: “I am not a little girl. I have nothing to fear. Vasya and I (here we must remember the name of our own husband) are adults. Nothing threatens me, we communicate.”
• When you feel that your husband is really "going too far" and begins to "put pressure on you", do not be silent. It makes no sense to stand in a pose and say: “Why are you talking to me like that?” This is a provocation of further rudeness. Try to control your tone, this is very important.

Throwing in a quarrel, as in a game of ping-pong, a ball of rudeness, you will not solve anything. Your tone may be serious, but not rude. It is seriously and concisely that you will say: “You can’t talk to me like that. I want to discuss this with you, but I can't."

Fear is a very complex substance. Where she is born and where she goes, no one knows. But fear has no right to live in the relationship of husband and wife. You need to get him out urgently. To drive away - to admit to yourself that you are - afraid. And that this is not the norm of relations. That you deserve better. Family happiness is incompatible with fear.

Will an ultimatum work?

No threats and ultimatums work on a man? Well, you'll have to choose. Don't rely on the sudden epiphany he swears to you after every blow. This is how any domestic tyrant behaves, because he is afraid of losing his beloved victim. Acquaintance and development of relations with a new lady will take too much time. Yes, and there is no guarantee that she will not be more principled and will not put him behind bars.

Domestic violence must be punished! Are you interested in the answer to the question “I am financially dependent on my husband and I am afraid of him, what should I do”? Well, material dependence is also a reason for fear of her husband. Moreover, a man is often satisfied with the fact that his wife is forced to completely obey him. The subject of blackmail is money.

They, of course, are kept by a man (otherwise he would not have such power over you). Even if at the dawn of the relationship you worked, he did everything possible for you to quit. He promised that he would support you and you would not need anything. You believed him, preferred family comfort to a career.

And after a couple of months, he put you in the frame: “if you don’t behave as I need, you won’t get anything.” Indeed, the need to beg for money for all sorts of little things humiliates. Over time, the financially "limited" wife will develop a fear of her husband. After all, she knows that if she forgets to cook dinner or smiles when meeting her husband from work, she will be deprived of the opportunity to buy clothes or cosmetics for herself.

Unfortunately, the only way to achieve psychological independence is to defeat financial dependence. Get a job or earn money at home if you can not leave children or sick parents unattended. The tyrant will have no influence on you only when you can provide for yourself on your own.

How to overcome fear: video

Falling in love between a man and a woman is the most unpredictable "element" that can appear or disappear at one moment. Due to their skittish nature, the representatives of the stronger sex tend to keep their emotions "in check" - that's why sometimes it may seem that the chosen one is afraid of his lady of the heart. But sometimes the fear of your beloved is a real problem that prevents you from building further relationships.

Signs of falling in love

The manifestation of tender feelings, as a rule, in men does not occur immediately. First, they look closely at the girl, study her, and only then open their hearts. But even before the young man openly declared his love, it can be recognized by his behavior.

1. Timidity. At the initial stage, even the most self-confident man will experience some indecision in relation to the girl he likes.
2. Rough speech. In a conversation with the subject of sighing, the young man will stutter - his every word, in such a situation, is carefully considered.
3. Jokes. As you know, a sense of humor has always attracted the fairer sex. Therefore, in order to please a girl, a man will try in every possible way to make her laugh and amuse.
4. Desire to be liked. In the eyes of the girl he loves, a man always wants to look better. He will carefully monitor his wardrobe, hairstyle, posture, so that his beloved can appreciate him.
5. Sight. The first thing that betrays feelings is the eyes. It is almost impossible to take them away from the desired lady: the man now and then looks in her direction, looking from head to toe.
6. Frequent meetings. A long parting with the object of adoration seems unbearable to the stronger sex, so men try in every possible way to organize common leisure time or arrange random meetings.
7. Touch. Non-verbal signs of falling in love betray this feeling at the very beginning. If a man sits closer to you, accidentally touches your hand or straightens your hair, you have definitely become the girl of his dreams.
8. Care. When a representative of the stronger sex knows any feelings for a girl, the instinct of a defender immediately works in him. He wants to protect his woman from everyone and everything, to guarantee her peace and tranquility.
9. Compliments. Perhaps, with this item it was worth starting our list. If a man gives a lady pleasant words, emphasizes her individuality, does not hide his admiration for her appearance and character, then she is definitely not indifferent to him.

There are some other signs of love that are characteristic of both women and men. You can check them out in the video below.

6 reasons for fear

Despite the strength of his feelings, a man in love can not show them for a very long time. One of the main reasons for this indecision is the fear of starting a new relationship.

In addition, for the majority of the stronger sex, an important role in revealing their feelings is the alleged response of the chosen one. If the guy sees and feels that the lady of his heart is not ready to build a relationship with him, most likely the man will not take the first steps.

Also, men's fear of women and relationships has several other reasons.

1. Lack of self-esteem. A man may think that he is not worthy of the object of his admiration - too low income, inexpressive appearance, not outstanding abilities. Even if all this is absolutely contrary to reality, many men underestimate themselves and their capabilities.
2. "The Mercantile Component". When a very beautiful girl sunk into the heart of a young man, he may think that she only needs an “overseas millionaire”. Such an opinion, as a rule, discourages the desire to build relationships.
3. Confidence in the presence of an opponent. If a man likes a beautiful and successful woman, he can create an illusion for himself and imagine another man who is already seeking the favor of the desired lady.
4. "What if she's a bitch?" Such a thought visits every guy when he begins to think about his feelings for a girl. Sometimes for the emergence of such an obsession, a reason is not needed - many representatives of the stronger sex mistakenly rely on their intuition in this matter.
5. Fear of not living up to expectations. Especially men are afraid to disappoint their lady in bed. And, in order to prevent such an oversight, they simply do not show their feelings.
6. Fear of consent. A man can show his adoration for a long time, take care of a girl, but at the same time not take serious steps. And the reason will be very banal - he simply does not know how to behave in a "real" relationship.

The fear of women has its own name - gynophobia. This fear can be formed in childhood or arise after a failed relationship. You can learn more about this male fear in the video below.

What kind of women are men afraid of?

Who would have thought that men could be afraid of women? Often it is not at all a weakness of character, softness or self-doubt. Some types of the fair sex scare guys away for one reason or another.

So what kind of ladies do men try to avoid in every possible way?

1. "Vamp Woman". An aggressive girl who makes scandals out of the blue can only be good in films. In life, such a character is unlikely to please a man.
2. "Dictator in a skirt". If a man is constantly told how to act, what to do and where to go, then he will probably go in the opposite direction. Not even so - he will run away from such a young lady while she makes up his new daily routine.
3. "Home Chief" Leadership positions usually have a detrimental effect on girls - from a business woman they reincarnate into unbearable women. Boss mode does not turn off with beloved men.
4. "Puppeteer". A woman who tries in every possible way to influence the decisions of her man also runs the risk of being left with nothing. In an attempt to manipulate a loved one, such ladies do not notice how they are pulled away from them.
5. "Abnormal hysteria." Here she laughs, and after five minutes she rolls her eyes and sobs excitedly because of a broken nail. Emotionality, of course, must be present in a woman, but it is very important to observe its “dosage” so as not to frighten a man.
6. "Planner of the Century" While the man was preparing the perfect first date, she ordered a wedding dress, looked after the country for a joint trip and studied the collection of names for the unborn child. And when all this information falls on the guy in the midst of their romantic dinner, he will immediately panic and run away.
7. "Fatal Beauty". Most often, a beautiful woman becomes the object of adoration for a man. But it is precisely her attractiveness that can scare away - many members of the stronger sex feel insecure next to luxurious ladies.

You can learn more about the types of women that inspire fear in men in the video.

Test "What kind of woman are you?"

To clearly have an idea about the attitude of men towards themselves. We recommend that you take a test and determine your type.

When I'm with friends, I:

When talking to men, I:

If a man makes an ambiguous pause during a conversation, I:

In order to please me, a man must:

I often hear compliments from friends about who I am:

My wardrobe is dominated by:

In a relationship between a man and a woman, the main thing is:

My favorite movie genre is:

My parents said that the most important thing in life:

What kind of woman are you?

patroness

This is such a mommy woman, she takes care of a man, but as a dependent person, she believes that he needs her advice and guidance, that he simply cannot cope without them. Since she perceives a man as a child, and herself as a parent (this happens on a subconscious level), accordingly, she uses methods of education in relationships - encouragement and punishment. Did the right thing - get a "candy", guilty - "you won't go for a walk!"

simpleton

You know how to have fun and rejoice from the bottom of your heart and never try to build some kind of image of yourself. If you like a man, then he will certainly know about it: your sincerity is hard not to notice. But you should remember that a man is, first of all, a “hunter”, who should have a passion for “prey”, that is, for you. And if frank simplicity used to be valuable, now intriguing uncertainty has taken its place. Therefore, if you are striving for a long and happy relationship, try to tame your immediate naivety, which can alienate your chosen one. But at the same time, do not hide your natural simplicity, but learn to use it when necessary.

This is a true woman who realizes her feminine destiny in love relationships. She deeply feels both herself and a man, knows how to truly understand him and accepts him as he is, thereby helping him develop and achieve high results. Such a woman always looks attractive, cheerful, she is light and airy, some special energy comes from her, which beckons. It is pleasant for men to be in her company, because. they feel absolutely safe. A man next to a woman-muse feels like a real Man.

Factors of indecision

Even if in all respects a man has found his ideal, he can “give back” due to some factors.

1. Success. Strong women have always instilled a certain fear in men. Next to them, they are afraid to seem failed and weak. Therefore, according to statistics, successful and rich girls who have built a career on their own and achieved financial well-being are more likely to remain single.
2. Independence. This factor is related to the previous one, but it is not only about financial independence. If a woman can do without male help in any area of ​​life - just fix a tap, go shopping, raise a child, then the representative of the stronger sex will feel unnecessary.
3. Categorical. Men love to be given in. If they do not have the right to their own opinion, or if each of their decisions is subject to careful discussion, then they will not want to stay close to such a strict and picky girl.
4. Care. As mentioned above, it is important for a man to feel like a protector. If this “duty” has already fallen on the shoulders of the beloved girl, then from whom and what should she be protected from?
5. Attractiveness. Every guy dreams of having a stunning beauty next to him. But it is very difficult to keep such a girl - there are usually crowds of admirers around her who want to take her away. Therefore, a man can take the path of least resistance and give up the idea of ​​being close to his beloved.

Ways to "keep" the chosen one

If the beloved man began to move away, you should reconsider your behavior. The first step in solving this problem is a thorough analysis of existing relationships.

1. Step 1: How long have you been together?
   If a man began to avoid communicating with you after many years of marriage, perhaps he was just tired. In this case, you should defuse the situation a bit and take a break from each other - a separate vacation would be a great idea.
2. Step 2: How much time do you devote to work?
   It may be that due to complete immersion in a new position, you completely forgot about your loved one. If you stop being interested in his life, then there is a great risk that he will go to a more attentive woman.
3. Step 3: Do you have fans?
   When a woman has a line of admirers, a man may become jealous or give up and step aside.
4. Step 4: Are you no longer a mystery?
   The interest of both parties continues as long as it is fueled by fresh sensations. If everything has become routine, and there are no more innovations, the man will get bored.
5. Step 5: Is everything okay in bed?
   One of the most important factors for the safety of relationships is the full "fulfillment" of marital duty. If a woman often has a "headache" and is not in the mood for physical love, the guy will definitely go looking for her on the side.

So, if everything described above fully characterizes your relationship with your loved one, you should start sounding the alarm. Such difficulties will definitely frighten the representative of the stronger sex and make him think about whether he wants to be with such a woman.

To avoid male fear and refresh past feelings, it is enough to follow simple “recipes”.

• be light and cheerful, do not complicate the relationship;
• spend more time with each other;
• do not try to resolve all issues on your own;
• trust a partner;
• leave work at work, do not take it home with you;
• do not "saw" it for nothing;
• treat casual admirers more dismissively than your loved one;
• avoid ridiculous quarrels and scandals.

How to save a guy from fear?

If there is no relationship yet, but you really want to connect your life with a man who is afraid of you, you should reconsider your character a little. In addition, there are several simple ways that will help a man get rid of the fear of his beloved woman.

1. Don't impose. The biggest fear is caused by too active women, so you should not take all the initiative into your own hands.
2. Always be yourself. “Throwing dust in the eyes” and in every possible way emphasizing her dignity on the first date, a woman runs the risk of scaring off her partner later.
3. Be democratic. At the first meeting with a potential boyfriend, leave your desire to be in charge at the door. Leave the right to choose in everything for the man and do not make a contemptuous look if something went wrong.
4. Be soft. Gentle and sensual girls have always attracted the representatives of the stronger sex. Let a man have a desire to patronize you already at the initial stage of the relationship.
5. Give up whims. If already at the first meeting a girl throws a tantrum because of the wrong restaurant or tells with envy how her friends are relaxing in Bali, the guy may be afraid of such difficulties.

Question to the psychologist:

I'm afraid of my now husband. I'll start from the beginning, we met on a dating site very by accident, I wandered there, and he was an active user on several other sites. having met, such an absurdity immediately caught my eye - the guy is very handsome, but he walks hunched over, does not raise his eyes ... when he sat down in a cafe, I was with a friend, she laughed: like what kind of squalor? She advised me not to talk to him. In the evening he walked me all the way, telling me about his fatal love for the girl Olga ... and he remembered many other girls ... he told me uninterestingly and indistinctly, constantly repeating that I was a sucker, schmuck, etc. I'm starting to get fed up with this nonsense. I decided that I didn’t want to see him anymore, but asked me to walk me to the apartment (I’m terribly afraid of dark entrances). Near the door, either from drunk, or I know myself, I am a very attractive girl (they say sexy about such people)))) We started kissing, he seemed so wild to me, not at all like this "it" before. I returned home with a smile on my face and in my soul) After that we started dating. The tedium continued and I already knew who and how of the former had, what a loser he was, how he had a period after parting with the fatal Olga in four years of suffering and depression! Then, before meeting me, he was single for two years. and when attempting ordinary physical intimacy, he was incapable! He was depressed. I am by nature an attractive and very cheerful girl, so he quickly fledged, became a madman. as I! We did this! He was often absent, since his work is connected with business trips ... But on business trips, he constantly called, we chatted for hours, and corresponded at night))) Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, he says to me: - I want you to know I am today refused one girl...!?! what, where did it come from? To say I was shocked is an understatement! Where did it come from, when and how, he was with me! After he said that he was running at the stadium with a girl, after she invited her to her place and was very persistent (she threw her legs at him. She said that she wanted him ...) I was shocked, because I understand that from scratch an adequate person won't act like that! Well, okay, I was very worried, very much! Then they reconciled, because he refused !!! as he spoke! After this incident, I, being a very sociable and, so to speak, "desired girl" stop any and all communication with men and begin to idolize him almost! I continue to find him, then he himself will tell how he communicated with the site as a girl, how everyone wants and loves him. ..it infuriated me, I said, if they want you so much, why were you alone and so depressed and incapable? He smiled. A year has passed, I met at the celebration with my friend with whom I was on the day we met him. She was taken aback - she did not recognize him! She says he's cool! I would even salivate at him! Well, I really see the reaction of women to him! His parents and friends adore me, they don’t recognize him and everyone says the same thing - that he was sick, didn’t want to live, nothing worked out, the girls all suppressed him. humiliated ... they were witnesses. With regards to his fatal Olga ... everything is scary and strange here ... All his preferences in food, life and sex, as it turned out, are her favorite foods, positions and clothes ... This one shocked me! He bought me some dressing gowns, bought peaches, which I do not like, only red wine, played checkers with me ... although I love chess. Having learned about everything, I was shocked and asked him about one thing, I say, show me what you are? do you exist at all? what do you like? who are you anyway? because after drawing a parallel of his relationship, I understood. that with every certain girl he was like her) With a drinker he began to drink, with a dancer he signed up for dances ... and many such examples with me he was a joker and a simpleton, which I am. But one thing was invariable: phrases, tastes and clothes from the "distant fatal Olga" "sealed" in the mind. In principle, I understood why he did not finish such a "shift" of relations with her! she left him, betrayed him .... HE COULD NOT EVEN TALK! She was a leader, even a despot, beat him, humiliated him, forced him to perform feats, hated his family, so he abandoned his family. though she is sacred to him. For four years he did not wash the pillowcase with the smell of her perfume ... Everyone loved me, he did not tell me about his love only when he had drunk ... but that does not count. In general, we were united by very passionate, violent sex, our mixers and the truth, as it seemed to me. He is a very well-mannered and honest son of his parents (a sissy-excellent student). After the New Year, he confessed his love to me, although he replaced this words several times. it was clear that it was difficult for him to pronounce it ... I also confessed to him. Then he asked me to take his phone in for repair. I agreed. I could not resist and got into calls and SMS ... What a shock awaited me! I’ll start first with the young lady with whom he allegedly ran ... he spent the night with her, on all the business trips where he was, he slept with the girls, and then the gypsy was some kind of married drunk, not even out of sympathy. To say that I was upset ... I died! I couldn’t compare, but he introduced me and got acquainted with my parents, my son, carried him on his shoulders, knowing that his own father had died and I didn’t bring men into the house ... He asked me on business trips for cooking recipes, wished good night, and then sms to another girl, I open under your door!?!? How? I didn't feel a thing! Nothing! he was so honest! one day I saw a call from a stranger made a scandal! so he looked into his eyes convinced that I should not worry and she just overcomes him. and he tells her about me ... In real life, it turned out that this is one of his "bed ladies." As a result, I apologized to him for the scandal ... but he forgave ...) Even now I am writing and a wave of pain covers me! I would never forgive him... I got pregnant... i.e. we decided to give birth to this baby, but we didn’t drown this trouble, but bypassed it. Now we live together and what's going on? Every day my husband tells me how some lady looked at him, winked. smiled. tugged at my curl ... I go crazy with jealousy, make scandals ... he still often compares me with Olga, Polina, Marina, Karina ... and recently he told me, while having sex with me, he has a feeling that there are forty more like it can fit ... Why say this, especially since it is not even an approximate truth, rather the opposite. I'm in so much pain! I have always been a very sensual and passionate girl, now I am like a woman ... he put me down like that! and breasts and buttocks and all ... And I'm very attractive! Even beautiful, but I no longer believe in it ... Why is he destroying us? I beg him not to do it! I'm freaking out, breaking dishes, throwing myself at him! And we have two children, one of which is half a year old ... who needs it? I didn’t see my family like that! I didn’t deserve it that way. What about forgiveness? no no. no. sometimes I sob excitedly remembering his vile betrayal. Now he swears that he will not forgive himself for this all of a sudden and he realized that he had never had a wife before, etc...., but I think it doesn’t matter if a wife is not a wife, children, a person is either capable of betrayal or not. Once, after drinking, he told me, you know that my dear, I don’t dispute and confirm the fact that you inspired me ... but you taught me everything and gave me so much that I’ll already fly like an eagle without you ... right now I can to prove to you to go out and bring a bunch of models here... What's that? Why did the person suffer so? Why is he doing this to me? My opinion is that being depressed, no one paid any attention to him especially dull, and even the girls despised him. .. And having taken a sip of testosterone given by me, he suffered! So I'm wondering if it's worth putting your life on him? Does it have a moral side? Or does it not exist at all? do not have their own positions, desires, their own path? It seems to me that he doesn’t love me at all, because when you love you don’t just try to hurt a person, but he does it with a smile, although he knows how I suffer later ... Thank you for reading.

The psychologist Zhuravlev Alexander Evgenievich answers the question.

Dear Oksana!

I've taken the trouble to read your letter several times.

My answer to what you said will be short:

Without going into details, just walk away from him.

Of course, if you really don't like it!

If you still decide that you can’t do without him, then keep in mind that he will never change his style of behavior. He will always cheat on you, he will always scare you. And you will serve him, cover the rear, provide him with comfort.

He has a moral. But this is the morality of a small child who determines for himself what is good and what is bad.

In general, you and I see how the so-called "return reflexes" work: a person suddenly begins to behave in a way that is not supposed to be at his age. Suddenly, long-forgotten and experienced behavior patterns return: to walk right and left, to deny the norms of morality, to go against society, to rebel and blow up, subvert and devalue ...

You see and feel that he behaves like a teenager, or even like a small child!

It is impossible to agree with him. Because, no agreements can cope with his "I want" and "I need"!